The Adventures of HP aka unknown stuff
by Me myself and I don't care
Summary: Harry visits Egypt with the Wesleys. Edward and the gang just happen to be headed to the same place. What happens when Harry mistaked Edward for someone else! Rated T only because idk what might happen next.
1. So It Begins

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This is my first fiction, bare with me. Reviews appreciated. If you like (or hate) it enough, I might (MIGHT) write a second chapter.

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"…Egypt!" Ron finally finished. Startled awake by the sudden silence, Harry quickly sat up and attempted to rub sleep from his eyes. "So what do you think?" Ron asked eagerly. Harry looked helplessly and Hermione who (no big surprise) had been taking notes on Ron's long-winded speech about ancient Egypt. Harry, however, had fallen asleep somewhere between the words "do you want to hear about it?" and "well, let's go back 1,000 years." Hermione smirked at him.

"Uh…it's great!" Harry said.

"Great? Great?!" Ron asked incredulously. Harry quickly opened his mouth to explain, but Ron continued without missing a beat. "Harry, Egypt is amazing! Awesome! Incredible! Not just 'great.'" Hermione smirked again. Quite suddenly, the bus pulled to a stop.

"Okay, everybody out!" Mrs. Wesley called.

"You'd think we'd never been here the way she's acting," Ginny muttered. Hermione smiled. Everyone rose and exited, stretching. Standing in front of them was a huge mass of stone.

"Uh…wow!" Harry said. He looked at Hermione.

"It's a pyramid, Harry," she sighed exasperatedly.

"Right," Harry said, "just testing you."

"I know you were," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. Ginny just stared at him.

"How did I fall for someone so stupid?" she whispered to Hermione.

"Like I would know? I ask myself the same thing everyday!" she hissed, indicating Ron who was currently trying to lift the pyramid off the ground in an attempt to show Harry the inside. "You can't lift up a pyramid, Ronald."

There was a sudden buzzing noise over head. Harry, Hermione and the Wesleys all looked up. A round, disc-like object was plummeting towards them.

"OH MY GOD! I UFO!!!!!!!!!" Ron screamed. He ducked behind Hermione.

"If it's identified as an unidentified flying object, it's technically not an unidentified flying object," Fred pointed out.

"You know, Fred, I was thinking exactly the same thing," George agreed.

"Which would mean, of course, that there truly is no such thing as a UFO," Fred continued.

"And this from the people who didn't finish school," Ginny said. As they were speaking, the now identified unidentified flying object had descended to the ground. They all looked at it. When it didn't move for sometime, Ron turned to Harry.

"I'll pay you five Knuts if you go touch it," he said.

"I'm not touching it! You do it!" Harry cried. That seemed to spark a reaction. The hatch opened causing Ron to once more duck behind Hermione.

"We come in peace!" he cried at the silhouettes descending the ramp.

The first figure out was a girl. She had mahogany hair and as far as any of them could tell, was quite human. Hermione started forward.

"Stop!" Ron hissed, "she could be wearing a human suit."

"Oh, Ronald," Hermione sighed. To the girl she said "My name is Hermione."

"Hi!" she said, cheerfully and humanly enough, "I'm Bella." Just behind her had assembled the rest of the occupants.

"Well hello, Bella." George strolled, or more accurately strutted, forward. A boy disengaged him self from the others and put an arm around Bella protectively. Harry cocked his head to one side, he knew that face.

"Cedric!!!!!!!!" he cried. There was silence followed by the rest of Harry's friends making various exclamations of surprise.

"Um, sorry, you must be thinking of someone else. My name is Edward," the boy said smoothly.

"Psht, no, you're Cedric," Harry snorted.

"No, honestly, I'm Edward," the boy who may or may not have been Cedric replied.

"Okay, it's not funny anymore, Cedric," Harry replied stubbornly.

"It was never funny, because I am not Cedric. Whoever the heck Cedric is," Edward/Cedric said.

"No. See, you received brain loss. You must have hit your head very hard when you fell. See, your name is Cedric Diggory and Voldemort killed you. You were seeker on the Hufflepuff quiddich team at Hogwarts. Your girlfriend is named Cho Chang. You were killed after the Triwizard Cup turned out to be a portkey and took you and I (I'm Harry Potter)—"

"You and me," Hermione interrupted.

"Took you and _me_ to a graveyard and then Voldemort killed you. And that's the story," Harry said without missing a beat. The boy had a look that clearly said _this boy is crazy._

"No, see, my name is Edward Cullen and I was adopted by Carlisle and Esme Cullen. My girlfriend is Bella Swan," he indicated the girl next to him, "and I have no idea what half the words in your story were."

"Ooooh. Good cover," Harry complimented. Edward dropped his head into his hand.

"I have an idea!" Ron cried. Everyone ignored him. "No like seriously, this makes sense. I have and idea!"

"Hey, Fred?" George asked. "Did you hear that funny noise Ron was making?"

"Why yes I did George. I believe it sounded something like an actual sentence," Fred replied.

"A miracle!" George exclaimed. "Mother did you hear that?! Ron made a complete sentence!"

"Be nice!" Mrs. Wesley reprimanded the twins.

"Aren't you going to congratulate him, mum?" Ginny asked innocently.

"Hey!" Ron cried.

"Oh, no, he's back to monosyllables," Fred said sadly.

"Pity. I didn't even finish recording the time and place!" George said.

"Mum! Can I say my idea?" Ron asked.

"I'm not sure, Won-won," George said in a high falsetto, "can you?" Ron glared at him.

"I've had it with you!" he snarled.

"Oh my goodness! Two in one day!" Fred exclaimed.

"What are you going to do? Give us a detention?" George taunted. Ron opened his mouth, his face a glorious shade of purple.

"Ahem," Harry said, interrupting, "may we get back to the problem at hand?"

"Yeah, you just wasted, like, a page of space!" Hermione said.

"Really?" Fred asked. He retreated a few lines to check. "She's right, we took up 17 whole lines, George." George rewound a little to check as well.

"Cool! Hey! Does this mean we can go back to any line we want and re-write anything we don't like?" he asked.

"NO!" came a powerful voice from atop the pyramid.

"Wow, cool trick," Hermione complimented an unseen person.

"Ahem," Harry said, interrupting, "may we get back to the problem at hand?"

"Did you just cut and paste that?" Hermione demanded of no one.

"Is she always like this?" Bella asked.

"Yeah, just ignore her," Ginny advised.

"I protest!" Hermione cried, "Erase those last lines!"

"Ahem," Harry said, interrupting, "may we get back to the problem at hand?"

"Yeah," George said, "we're wasting space."

"Take that up with the author," Hermione grumbled.

"Ahem," Harry said, interrupting, "may we get back to the problem at hand?"

"Okay, Harry, what else do you have to say?" Ginny asked.

"I'd like to hear Ron's idea." This comment was greeted with silence.

"I think Harry and this Cedric imposter person should duel it out. A rock-paper-scissors championship," Ron said after a beat.

"Seriously?" Hermione asked once more of the invisible, non-answering person, "that's what you came up with?"

"I like it!" Harry cried. "If I win, my story is right. If you win, you're story is right."

"Okay," Edward smirked. The two of them raised their fists. _Rock, paper scissors…_

"ADVADA KADAVRA!!!!" Harry shouted. "I WIN!!!!" Edward – well, now Cedric – fell like a sack of rocks.

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Hope you enjoyed it!


	2. Niceties

"Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward!" Bell was setting up a real wail over the cold, dead corpse in front of her.

"I win, I win, I win!" Harry sang literally jumping up and down and clapping.

"Yeah, Harry?" Hermione said, "Unfortunately, Cedric is now dead."

"Again," added Ginny.

"Yeah, again."

Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward!"

"Would someone please shut her up? She's crushing my buzz!" Harry complained.

"On it!" Fred said. He turned and back handed Ron. "Oops, wrong person!"

"Okay. Now this is personal!" the big one who had not introduced himself yet cried, "No one messes with the Cullens!"

"Wow, that sounds so super hero-ish!" Ron said, "OMG! Are you guys super heros?" There was a long silence in which Ron continued to stare excitedly at the Cullens while they all wore expressions clearly reading _oh my god, he's a real idiot._

"Ron, something's telling me they aren't super heros," George said dryly.

"Tch, psht, hah," Ron snorted a couple of times, "Of course they are. All the boys are wearing tight clothes, after all." This prompted a collective group eye twitch.

"Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward!"

"Bella, breath, honey." A tiny girl with spiky hair went over to her and shook her shoulders.

"Get a grip, Bella!" she said, she snapped her fingers in Bella's face.

"Edwa-" a beautiful blond stepped up and promptly back handed Bella smartly across the face.

"I don't think that was really necessary, Rose," a tall blond said. He had a restraining hand on the huge boy's shoulder.

"Please. She was beginning to annoy you too, Carlisle, admit it," the blond, Rose, replied.

"You know, the rest of you never introduced yourselves," Hermione pointed out.

"Of course," the man named Carlisle said, "How impolite. I am Carlisle Cullen. This is my wife, Esme," he indicated a soft featured woman to his right, "Jasper," a golden haired boy standing behind the pixie child, "Alice," the pixie child, "Emmett," the giant, "and Rosalie," the beauty.

"Oh, well, I'm Hermione, this is Ron," Ron gave a yelp of alarm, "Harry," Harry was still jumping and clapping, "Ginny," Ginny held up two fingers in the universal peace sign, "Fred and George-"

"We don't get to be separate people?!" Fred interrupted.

"That isn't very kind, Hermione," George said, pouting.

Hermione made a 'tch'-ing sound and continued. "And this is Molly and Arthur Wesley." Carlisle nodded to each in turn.

"And don't worry, Harry doesn't always jump and clap," Ginny reassured them.

"As a matter of fact, he's rather angsty," George said.

"Yeah, quite a bit of a temper, too," Fred agreed.

"I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY TEMPER!!!!!!!!!" Harry screamed. His face turned purple.

"No, you don't," Hermione said sarcastically.

"Okay, now that the niceties are out of the way, let's get to the part where HE KILLED EDWARD!!!" Emmett cried.

"EDWARD, EDWARD ,EDWARD, EDWARD!"

"Good going, Em," Alice said angrily, "You got her started again." Rosalie raised her hand again.

"I think there's a better way to quiet her, Rosalie," Carlisle said disapprovingly.

"No, there really isn't," Rose replied.

"EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD!!"

"Well…alright," Carlisle said grudgingly.

"Aha! I knew she annoyed you!" Rose said triumphantly, then proceeded to smack Bella again.

"Hey, what's that noise?" Ron asked, turning his head slightly.

"I don't know," Harry replied brusquely.

"I don't hear anything," Fred and George said together.

"Nor do I," Ginny said.

"Well, it's official then, Ron's gone mad," Fred said. He turned back to the Cullens. Meanwhile, the herd of llama charged closer and closer.

"Now, Emmett," Carlisle was saying, "there is no need for a fight."

"He didn't even do it because Edward attacked him or something!" Emmett argued.

"EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD!!" Bell cried again.

"Okay, obviously we need to just stop saying his name," Rosalie said as she back handed Bella for the third time.

"As I was saying-" unfortunately, the rest of what Emmett was saying will remain unknown because just at that moment, Ron set up a yell so great they must have heard it back in England. They all turned to see him being carried off by a pack of llamas.

"Are those llamas?" Ginny asked.

"I believe so," Jasper replied. There was a long pause.

"That is so random!" Bella said.


	3. The Annoying Part

"Llamas…like, seriously?" Hermione asked.

"I guess so…" Jasper said uncertainly.  
"Well…that's sorta cool in a way," Harry decided. Every face turned to look at him with a mixed expression of weirded out and bewildered. "Well it is."

"Do you mind explaining to us how you find llamas attacking Ron cool?" Ginny asked doubtfully.

"Aside from the obvious?" Harry said.  
"He's got a point," Fred agreed. George nodded along with him. After a second, Ginny and Hermione relented as well.

"That's my son!" Mrs. Wesley cried.  
"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll get him back," Carlisle said soothingly, placing a hand on Mrs. Wesley's arm. She shrieked and jumped away. There was a moment of awkward silence, suddenly penetrated by a bellowing laugh.

"No, no, not quite…." a voice said. Harry, Ginny, Fred, George and Hermione all whipped around. Malfoy was standing there, his wand out and pointing at Harry. After a second, he let out another feeble attempt at an evil laugh. After deciding it wasn't worth it, he shouted to Harry "I'VE GOT YOU NOW POTTER!"

"Huh?" Harry blinked.

"I said: I'VE GOT YOU NOW POTTER!" Malfoy shouted once more. Harry cocked his head to one side and blinked rapidly.  
"Are you feeling okay?" he asked.

"YES, I'M FINE, THANK YOU! HOW ARE YOU?!"

"Uh….well, yah know, can't complain." Harry shrugged.

"THAT'S GOOD! HOW ABOUT YOU, RON, HERMIONE? WAIT! WHERE'S RON?!"

"He got stolen by Teh Llama Queen," Harry said nonchalantly.

"SO MY BRILLIANT PLAN WORKED! HA HA!" Malfoy once more let out what ought to have been an evil laugh, but really sounded more like a cross between a dying cat and a moose.

"I'm sorry, I have to step in, here," Jasper began, stepping into the little circle they had made. He proceeded to just stand there silently.

"Were you going to say something?" Ginny asked.

"I'm sorry, what?" Jasper said, looking around in that way daydreamers do when they're suddenly asked a question during class.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, TALL, BLOND AND BUFF?" Malfoy asked in his "evil voice."

"Must you yell?" Jasper asked politely.

"YES!"

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD ME TO DO IN MY "HOW TO DESTROY THE WORLD 101" COURSE! DUH!" Harry laughed.

"Good luck, Malfoy," he said with another chuckle.

"DO NOT MOCK ME, POTTER! I WOULD KILL YOU IF TALL, BLOND AND BUFF WEREN'T IN MY WAY!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Jasper moved out of the circle again. Malfoy pointed his wand at Harry.

"AVADA KA-" Harry side-stepped him. Malfoy looked around confused. "WHERE DID YOU GO, POTTER!"

"Right here," Harry said complacently.

"OH! I CAN'T SEE YOU! ARE YOU INVISABLE?!"

"Malfoy," Hermione said, calmly holding up four fingers, "how many fingers am I holding up?"

"EIGHT! OH MY GAWD! DO YOU HAVE EIGHT FINGERS ON YOUR HANDS?! THAT'S NOT NORMAL!"

"Malfoy….I think you might need glasses," Hermione said. She reached over and plucked Harry's off his face.  
"Hey!" Harry cried. He reached into his back pocket and seemed to dig around a bit. He pulled out a stop watch, "nope, that's not them…where did I put them?" He dug around again and pulled out a tazer. "Not that either. Damn it! Where did they go?!" after he threw out a few more items – including a lamp, a picture frame and some lovely Italian leather shoes – he pulled out a dusty looking case. "Finally!" he took out one pair of glasses (there were, like, twenty in there) and shoved them, and the rest of the stuff, back into his pocket. Hermione blinked at him then handed his old glasses to Malfoy.

"OMG! I CAN SEE! Wow, Potter you look a lot uglier than I thought….ANYWAY! WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?"

"I dislike you…." Harry said. "Please don't stare at my ass anymore, I know it's nice and all, but seriously." Everyone who was still staring at his Mary Poppins pocket instantly looked in a different direction.

"OH! I REMEMBER!" Malfoy said after a long time "I WILL GET YOU, POTTER!" He advanced on Harry and proceeded to trip over the dead corpse that was once Cedward. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" He screamed. However, it was hard to tell if he was truly started or simply yelling like he was recently.

"Cedric," Harry said simply.

"WHY IS HE WHITE? AND COLD? AND HARD?"

"Because…..he's….dead?" Harry said slowly.

"Obviously," Ginny intoned.

"OH! I KNEW THAT! ANYWAY!" he stood and dusted himself off carefully, "AVADA KA-"

**WE INTERRUPT THIS STORY FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE!**

Killer bees are easily provoked and cause intense pain if they sting. Once one stings you, the rest of the hive will follow quickly. That is all.

**WE NOW RETURN TO NORMAL PROGRAMMING!**

"That was random," Hermione commented huffily.

"What was?" Ginny asked.

"Am I the only one who realizes we are living on a piece of blank paper?!" Hermione cried.

"Nope," replied the twins.

"WILL YOU PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING ME?! AVADA KA-"

Quite suddenly, there came the sound of several buzzing insects. A swarm of black bees began flying from a hole just under Malfoy's foot.

"You're getting the facts wrong! Only wasps and yellow jackets live in ground level hives!" Hermione complained of no one. "These are clearly not yellow!"

"Clearly," agreed Harry, "but who are you talking to?"

"Her!" Hermione pointed at a phantom figure sitting primly on top of the pyramid. The figure looked down on them and shook her head.

Meanwhile, Malfoy was frozen at the sight of the large killer bees. They rose from the ground in a storm cloud and all seemed to look at him. Then, they stopped. Collectively, they began to think.

"_He's blond….not bad looking either…let's see….oh he's the main character, we can't kill him….yet…uhh…she's pretty, she's pretty…they're twins....she old…he's old…they're both….eh…pretty….BIG!_" they had by now turned in a full circle to see Emmett behind Malfoy. They're buzz changed pitch and tone and wording so they very clearly were shouting "_BIG!!!_"

Emmett, being smart enough to know they meant business, began to run and scream like a little girl. He turned tail and ran off with the angry and excited swarm of bees right behind him.

"GOODBYE, BIG!" Malfoy called. He rounded on Harry and the screen went black.

"Why is it dark?" Ginny asked.

"Because it's time to be quite, Ginny. Go to sleep," Fred told her.

"Shhhhh," George said.

"OHMIGAWD WHAT TOUCHED ME?!" Malfoy cried.

"Sorry," Harry said.

"YOU DID IT AGAIN!"

"Sorry!"

"YOU DID IT _AGAIN_!"

"I'm sorry!"

"NO YOU'RE NOT!"

"So?!"

"STOP TOUCHING ME!"

"Sorry!"

"CUT IT OUT!"

"Would you shut up?!" Hermione complained.

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Thanks to mt friend, MJ, sitting right here next to me for some suggestions. Luv you losers, keep reviewing, i need to fill up space in my inbox ;)


	4. The Plot Thickens

The darkness was impenetrable. For what seemed like hours, no one spoke or moved, waiting for the next scene to fade in. After this long moment of silence, a voice spoke.

"Okay, I give up. Are we dead?"

"Who said that!" Harry hissed.

"I did."

"Malfoy?"

"No, the little man on your shoulder!" Malfoy snapped sarcastically.

The lights came up in time to catch Harry looking at his shoulders in confusion.

"He was being sarcastic, Harry," Ginny said gently.

"I knew that," Harry claimed after a pause.

"I know you did."

"So, what was the point of that? We didn't even change scenery," Fred exclaimed.

"You might want to check on that," George returned. Indeed, the setting hadn't changed, but the scenery had. The great pyramid they had just been standing in front of was gone.

"And you said you couldn't lift a pyramid," Harry told Hermione smugly. She rolled her eyes.

"No one lifted it, Harry. And also, this was supposed to be a meaningless comedy, don't tell me you're turning it into a mystery!" She said. Harry pointed to himself, silently asking if she was talking to him. "Not you, Harry."

"Um…guys…" Malfoy summoned their attention. He held up a bit of crumpled paper.

"Is that a ransom note for the pyramid?!" Harry asked excitedly.

"No," he replied bluntly. "It's the scenery." He demonstrated by tearing a large hole in what they now saw was a paper background.

"I know what you're thinking," George began.

"The pyramid is going to be behind that," Fred finished.

"But it's not," George took over again. In fact, the twins were right. Behind the paper was a large bright green stretch of wall.

"Well then," Harry said profoundly. "A green wall. Incredible. I wonder how they got it so green…"

"They painted it, you idiot!" Malfoy snapped.

"And I believe the term is "Green Screen" for this," Hermione informed them.

"Hey…when did Malfoy stop yelling?" Harry asked.

"Oh right! I DIDN'T STOP. YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS!" he returned to shouting.

"…You _had_ to ask?" Ginny complained.

"Ummm…yes…?" Harry said, not sure how to take that.

Meanwhile, the vampires had started for the doors of the studio, planning on going home. No one noticed them go.

"Ohmigosh!" Harry exclaimed as something hit him. "Does this mean Egypt doesn't exist?!?!?!?!?!?! Because it's only a 'green screen?'" Hermione's hand met her forehead.

"You should know better than to confuse him like this," she muttered. Then, "no, Harry. Egypt is a real place."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"So is Genovia and Atlantis!" Fred and George cried. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Duh, guys, I knew that already," he said in exasperation. The twins looked at each other and shrugged.

At that moment, there came a loud scream from outside. They all whipped out wands and flew for the doors. Outside, the found the coven of vampires surrounding something. Upon closer inspection, they realized that Bella was not among them.

"Oh my…" Hermione began. She instantly regretted it. Five pairs of bloody eyes turned upon the fragile humans.

"Please don't judge us," Alice began, "we just wanted her to join Edward."

"Cedric," Harry corrected him. He was collectively ignored.

"No, she was just getting so _god damn_ annoying," Rosalie corrected. Carlisle and Esme looked sadly down at her wrecked body.

"She was hit with a golf cart," Carlisle offered by way of explanation. "We had to take her out of her misery."

"Golf carts only go about three miles per hour," Hermione pointed out.

"Those things are fuckin' dangerous!" Harry exclaimed.

"No, Harry, they're not."

"Oh."

"Your point," Jasper prompted.

"She wouldn't have been in very much pain," Hermione continued. Nobody spoke for a moment.

Quite suddenly, Emmett flew across the shot, screaming bloody murder with the swarm of bees still chasing him crying "_BIG!_" Everybody was momentarily shocked.

"Well, on the plus side, she's gone," Rosalie broke the silence.

"Who?" Alice asked.

"Bella. She was annoying. And ungrateful. And we've also picked a fight with those damn werewolves," she finished triumphantly.

"Girl, I like the way you think," Jasper said, clapping her on the shoulder. Mrs. Wesley and Mr. Wesley exchanged looks.

"You don't think Lupin…"Mrs. Wesley began. Mr. Wesley shook his head.

"I'm sure of it." She took it as a satisfactory answer. Just then, the lights faded once more.

"Oh you have _got_ to be kidding," Hermione said. However, the light person didn't go on coffee break this time, and the lights came up promptly. They five vampires and seven humans were standing in a jungle.

"Wait, I bet this is just another one of those green screen things," Malfoy claimed. He stepped toward the scenery and reached out. Unfortunately, it was not a paper background and the cliff they were on the edge of was very real. Malfoy plummeted into space. Harry, Ginny, the twins, and Hermione dissolved into laughter.

"GOTCHA!" they all shouted to him.

"I'LL KILL YOUUUUUUUUoooooooooo!" His voice came back to them as he fell, conceivably to the end of time.

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Hey guys, sorry this isn't really funny. I was kind of just rambling. I'll do better. Sorry i haven't updated in a while, either. Hang in there, keep reading. :)


	5. Wicked Wierd

Ummm... haven't done this in a while. It's not all that funny, because I'm not in a funny mood. But you may laugh if you feel like it. I'll appreciate it.

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"I'm thinking that'll be a bit difficult," Fred murmured as they Malfoy fall. Hermione hummed in agreement.

"I bet he'll pull a Lord of the Rings as appear when we're least expecting it," George contradicted.

"I'm putting my money on a second Gollum," Ginny agreed.

"I like money," Harry muttered distractedly. Fred, George, Ginny, and Hermione all exchanged one of those 'looks.'

"Well, our first order of business would be to get out of this jungle I think," Mr. Wesley said logically.

"Mr. Wesley, I was thinking the exact same thing," Hermione agreed.

"We concur," the twins said at the same time.

"We need to find Ron!" Mrs. Wesley shrieked.

"Molly, I think it's best if you didn't yell, here," Mr. Wesley said cautiously.

"Why not?"

"Because of them," Carlisle replied, pointing. Between the trees two pairs of yellow eyes stalked their moves. The lions slowly paced towards them.

"Would you rather…" Ginny began.

"Jump over the cliff," George added.

"Or be eaten by hungry lions," Fred finished.

"Well, you losers can stay there, but since I'm faster than them," Rose began, and in seconds she jetted off.

"I'm with her," Alice agreed. She grabbed Jasper's hand, and they, too, ran off.

"It's been nice knowing you," Esme gushed kindly, before she and Carlisle also ran past the beasts, leaving the Wesleys and Harry and Hermione standing on the edge of a cliff.

"…Accio firebolt!" Harry suddenly screamed, pointing his wand at the sky.

"No one told him the wands don't really do anything, did they?" Ginny murmured to Hermione.

"I guess not," she muttered back. And for the very first time in her life, Hermione Granger was very, very wrong, indeed.

Harry jetted into the air on his firebolt, causing a ripple of jealousy among his friends. "See yah, suckas!" he cackled.

"Really?" Fred asked.

"A cackle?" George said skeptically. The lions looked at each other and shrugged.

"And I thought pigs would fly before lions shrugged at each other," Mrs. Wesley said.

"Be careful what you say, please," Hermione said, looking at the sky hopefully.

Unfortunately for all the characters, the creator was sadly sadistic. In a flurry of wings, a … erm … flock? of pigs came flying towards Harry. Who screamed. Loudly. He fell off his broom, plummeting over the edge of the cliff before anyone could catch him. Monkeys carried off his firebolt in triumph.

"Well..." George said, "only one thing to do, now."

"Which is?" Hermione demanded.

"Watch out for flying poo," he said. He and Fred pulled umbrellas from behind their backs.

"That's disgusting, no one in their right mind would put us in a poo storm, it'd be torture," Ginny exclaimed.

"I don't think the creator is in her right mind," Hermione murmured slowly, looking up and wishing for an umbrella.

"What are you kids talking about?" Mr. Wesley asked.

"Nevermind, you be good. Fred, George, you're in charge, we're going to find Ron," Mrs. Wesley said, promptly changing the subject. Without waiting for an answer, she took Mr. Wesley by the arm and strode off.

"Wicked…" the twins said mischievously.

The lions suddenly growled and turned back to the trees. They ran at top speed god- knew-where. The birds flew from their perches and other animals went running for the cover of trees. A foul smell exploded on the senses of Fred, George, Ginny, and Hermione.

"Well, glad we have umbrellas," George said to Fred as the poo storm washed over them.

"Now that is just CRUDE!" Hermione screamed.

"Erm, Hermione," Ginny mumbled through closed lips, sheltering under Fred's umbrella, "you might want to keep your mouth shut." Hermione ducked under George's umbrella as the pigs began to relieve themselves.

"I'm going to be sick," she muttered.

**MEANWHILE**

Harry and Malfoy crawled from a hole in the ground, coming up, to their surprise, behind the line of vampires, facing off against a line of oversized wolves. They looked between the brewing fight and the hole they'd just come out of. Nodding to each other, they grasped the other's upper arm and dove back into the hole.

"Jacob, I am so sorry you had to be dragged into this," Carlisle was saying, looking at a brownish looking wolf in the middle. The wolf cocked his head, confused.

"The author of this supposed story, according to a witch we met, is completely bonkers," Alice explained.

"Did you just say 'bonkers'?" Rosalie asked. Alice shrugged.

"It's true," she said. Rose nodded.

"You can still turn back," Esme offered. "You're not a staple in the plot yet."

"Take this chance and go back," Jasper said, persuasively. The wolf they'd called Jacob shook his head adamantly.

"Well, then, I do sorely apologize," Carlisle said sadly. The pack of wolves bristled, and readied to attack.

The wolves and vampires collided resoundingly. An all out fight broke out between the two sides. Neither party seemed, at the moment, to have the upper hand. That is, until Jasper raised his hand above the head of the tallest wolf. This turned out to be the worst decision he would ever make.

A passing giraffe, running from the poo storm back by the cliffs saw the white hand appear out of the fight cloud they had created. Thinking it a yummy sort of fruit, the giraffe advanced. When the hand didn't go down, she nabbed it, pulling Jasper from the fight with a quick jerk of her hand. Finding the taste quite delectable, she resumed eating him.

And that is how Jasper died.

The fight ended promptly. The giraffe burped, then continued on her merry way.

"Okay, I see what you mean," Jacob said, turning into a human.

"Ugh! Put on some clothes!" Rose cried, turning away in disgust.

"…Does anyone else hear that?" Alice said, ignoring the naked werewolves.

"Yep," one of the wolves named Seth said.

"Sounds like…" another wolf, Quill, began.

"A giant … erm … flock? of pigs," Jacob finished, pointing upwards. Everyone looked up.

"Look out for flying poo!" Seth cried, diving for cover. Everyone looked after him like he was crazy.

Only he wasn't. Poor bastards.

* * *

Sorry it's random. And gross. ;) Comment!


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